McDonald’s to Open Playgrounds in China

Just remember, this part of our site is satire or fake news. 

PR Representatives of the ever-golden arches held an event in Shanghai, down the road from their China headquarters at Innov Tower.

McDonald’s rarely uses PR events to create a buzz for their chain, so expectations among attendees was as high as the oil temperature used to fry their famous fare.

They did not disappoint.

“In all future restaurants in China, we are committed to opening kid-friendly and eco-aware playgrounds,” Ron Johnson, head of marketing and PR said.    

“We’ve decided to make this decision in order to bring more family friendly playing options to the country. Playgrounds are few and hard to access in most cities, often limited to school grounds or malls where cost of admittance is astronomical.”

“The playgrounds and the stores will also now be opened with air purifiers equipped in the heating and cooling systems.”

“Along with a commitment to open playgrounds and better the indoor air, we will also be piloting new fresh menus with salads, yogurt, and wraps,” Johnson continued.

The event also held a buffet of the fresh menu, though some complained they were still so hungry after eating set meals, they’d need to get a second lunch.

A one-time playground was installed at the event grounds, but soon needed to be shut down when attending children became too rambunctious.

“Along with installing safety nets and testing playgrounds to assess injury probability, we will be requiring that waivers be signed by all parents before allowing their children to play,” Johnson added suddenly when the event playground was unexpectedly shut down early.

The decisions received favorable public responses

“I would never have gone to McDonald’s with my kids because it’s so bad for health, but if it’s opening a fresh menu and playgrounds, I’m excited to go there!” Rita Jennings said, mom of two.

“I’ve always wondered why there were no playgrounds at fast food restaurants here unlike in the US, so I’m glad to hear that they’re making a change to be more family friendly,” Zhang Shezi remarked.

The first restaurant with a playground will open in March.

10 winners will get ¥2,300 in prizes on December 20. Join the WeChat group to enter in! Chances are 1 in 12 at the moment; better odds than Trump having won the 2016 elections.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by adding me (ID: vanessajencks).


Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

Photo: MD111 (Flickr)

China Contemplates Giving Stay at Home Moms Mandated Leave

Just remember, this part of the site is satire or fake news. 

After the one-child policy was revised, China has seen a growing trend of professional women turning into stay at home mothers in order to avoid staggering kindergarten costs.

Though the choice is made for financial reasons, researchers warn great care should be taken to ensure the family’s and, ultimately, society’s stability.

Recent nationwide research in Beijing, Shanghai, Tianjin, Chongqing, and Guangzhou has revealed that full time, stay at home mothers are under significantly more stress than their family members.

The research concluded husbands and often in-laws continue to perpetrate ancient ideals of slave-labor despite Mao’s liberation of women for the workforce.

Mothers in the country are not surprised, as they have silently fumed about the unfairness of the family structure for years.

But in the interest of the society as a whole, party officials are contemplating introducing legislation of mandated time off for mothers who are overworked and never compensated by their families. Officials are viewing children, who are the first to suffer from suffering mothers, as an investment for the future and keys to the nation’s progress.

Talks include requiring husbands and in-laws to payout wages for overtime if these members of the family are not actively contributing to the care of the family’s children.

Other legislation proposed includes having a mandated rotation schedule for mothers and fathers, where stay at home fathers would be required to relieve their wives into the workforce once the child is weened.

Though nai bas have become more popular in the past couple of years, there are serious doubts about the ability of some of these husbands, and a nationwide fathers school has been proposed to equip men to shoulder the task this legislation would impose.

Unfortunately for foreign mothers on work or dependent visas, this mandated leave and rotation schedule would only be available to citizens.

Until this legislation passes, mothers will have to settle for their own self-care routines, such as hiring an ayi, locking the bathroom door, and not coming out for hours.

10 winners will receive tools to add to their own self-care routine through China Moms Blog, like an idMASK, The Green Room supplies, an Every Day Spa Day bag and more. There’s nothing that’s needed to be done to get the discounts or enter into the prize except join the WeChat group.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by adding me (ID: vanessajencks).


Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

How to Trick Your Child into Wearing a Mask

Did you know that only 25% of days in Beijing are under 100 AQI?

Did you know that stay-at-home-moms, full-time-ayis, and weekend-warrior-parents can get a terrible disease called Hatieus Peking when they’re forced to stay inside for hours-in and hours-out with a rock-hard stubborn child who refuses to put on a mask?

Hatieus Peking causes parents to do rash things like cry softly in a closet, quit jobs, and give away all that they have. Severe cases cause hallucinations; parents cite seeing a mirage of a city with clean air that you drink like water. Some hallucinations are horrifying, and instead parents are locked up in a chamber where they can’t breath.

Psychologists believe it has to do with the steady increase of carbon dioxide inside filtered rooms, lack of proper amounts of sunshine and wide open spaces, and lack of interaction with grown adults who can hold full conversations.

Those affected can be cured, but treatment requires tricking children into wearing masks so that the cloistered caretakers can run around like wild horses in grey Beijing, taking gasps of air through gas masks.

Note, trickery depends on the age.

Children 8 years and older are easily tricked into wearing masks with threats of being grounded or removing screen time. They’re an easy lot to coerce.

Children between 4 years old and 8 years old can be shown pictures and videos of what polluted and damaged lungs look like on the inside and explain that they will die if they do not put on the mask. Do they really want their lungs to look like that?

Yes they might cry, but remember that the caretaker’s health is at risk here, and ultimately that affects the child’s well being in the long term.

Children under 4 years of age require the most nimble of handling. Make the child cry and you might as well just call it a night. After the tears come out in force like willow pollen in the spring, no form of trickery or bribery will ever get the child to put on the blasted mask.

Instead, lace the mask with the smell of their favorite foods. Or you could take inspiration from man’s hipster accessory, the beard, and just put little chunks of chocolate inside the mask. It’s like a snack reservoir, right?

What child wouldn’t want to put it on with chocolate inside?

If you’re worried about choking, get some Hershey’s syrup and smear it inside. Depending on the make of the mask, it might not actually affect breathability.

If chocolate doesn’t work, put on the child’s favorite TV show or movie or song. Put the mask on his face and play the show. When he takes it off, turn off the show.

It’s kind of like Pavlov’s dog and bell experiment except much more desperate. 

Once the child keeps on the mask after fifty-eight or so tries, then just make him keep wearing it in the house until wearing a mask is second nature.

One last option would be to cry. Yes, cry. The child will take such sympathy on seeing a grown adult cry, he or she will try to make it better. If you’ve instilled kindness in the child already, of course. Otherwise, treatments beyond what’s been suggested here is totally experimental, and you should proceed with caution.

Look, you would stoop to these lows if you had Hatieus Peking, too.

Crazy parents need to support crazy parents before things get crazy. 

By the way, did you know you can win a new generation of idMASK of any size that you want to at least pretend your stubborn child might actually where it one day? All you have to do is join the China Moms Blog WeChat Group. Add me on WeChat to try your luck (WeChat ID: vanessajencks). If Trump beat the odds, why can’t you?

Your current chances of winning are 1 in 10! Those are good odds to win one of the prizes, totaling ¥2,300 in all!

No sharing required. Really.

Seriously the simplest giveaway ever.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by adding me (ID: vanessajencks).


Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

Photos: SmartAir Filters, idMASK

¥2,000+ Winter Care Prizes for 10 Winners! Plus Discounts for Everyone

I’m just going to get straight to the reason you clicked on this post, because I know you’re not here to learn about me.

No worries, I’m not offended.

Still, I worked out some awesome freebies for China Moms Blog readers for taking care of the whole body for a China winter! From your hair to your toe nails, to your lungs to your immune system, you’re covered!

And what is it that you have to do to get in on this giveaway?

Simply enter yourself into the winner’s circle here. Don’t you wish all giveaways were this simple?

I will announce the winners on December 21!

Not only are readers getting a chance to win with good odds, but those who don’t like giveaways (or want a gift for someone else ASAP) can still get some nice discounts.

First up, let’s talk about protecting your skin, hair, and nails!

5 winners – 5 20 ml bottles of Sirocco Argan oil (altogether RMB 178)

James of Waijiao in Shanghai only imports products that are 100% organic and imported. I’m currently using Waijiao’s stock of Aleppo soap for my face for my cyclical acne.

I know, I know. Believe it or not this perfect complexion has a secret weapon.

The amount of Argan oil James is giving away is perfect for you to decide if you’re a fan of this type made by Sirocco brand, which is certified organic and fair trade. This Argan oil isn’t deodorized like other brands; in other words, it smells spicy like Morocco and keeps the oil in its simplest form.

Argan oil is most commonly used as a skin moisturiser to hydrate and soften skin. It’s not greasy like other oils.

James Special Offer: Get a 10 percent discount off on Waijiao products with code chinamoms10.

1 winner – The Green Room’s Best Sellers Set (RMB 488)

What’s in The Green Room’s the limited-time Best Sellers Set? That would be the Miracle7 Face Serum (balances PH levels, anti-aging), Face Balm (cleanser), and the Eye Oil (soothes, plumps).

Perfect for those of us who want to fight back against the 30’s and 40’s looming tragedy of wrinkles. Did I mention it’s my 29th birthday on the 26th?

I’m in denial.

The Green Room’s Special Offer: When purchasing through their Weidian, enter code “stockingfreebie” into the COMMENT section. You’ll get a travel size of any product (between 45-85 RMB except eye oil) for any purchase over 200 RMB. Valid until Dec 20.

 

1 winner – Every Day Spa Day Bag by Velveteen’s Secret Potions (RMB 605)

Velveteen’s Secret Potions (VSP) will make you want to learn Spanish and travel the world with Francesca Hanshing Urra, the proud foundress.

All of her ingredients are natural, responsibly sourced, direct from the producer when able, and truly global, representing China, Japan, Thailand, Korea, Morocco, Chile, Brazil, Australia, India, Spain, Germany, USA, Ghana, Cambodia, Vietnam, France, Philippines and more. Many ingredients are even seasonal.

I told you – the girl gets around!

And her Spa Day bag is chalk full of goodies! Twelve products, a travel bag, and 5 beauty tools really allow you to have a spa day any day.

VSP’s Special Offer: Francesca calls all of her members “very special people” and gives them a 5% off. Connect with her to become a member. She assured me China Moms Blog readers would be well taken care of with extra goodies every time they make a purchase.

Now let’s protect your insides!

 

1 winner – Lemon, Lavendar, and Peppermint doterra Essential Oils (RMB 160)

 Next up is a Beginner’s Trio Kit by doterra (RMB 160) via my friend Amanda Vaughan. She’s my neighborhood fair trade, globally sourced, and extra high quality essential oils hook up.

These oils are can be used as a natural and safe cleaner, skin booster, immune system booster, and flavor for food or tea.

And probably could make you into superwoman too.

Amanda’s Special Offer: Beijing residents will get a free hostess gift of oils if they would like to host a party with their friends to learn about essential oil benefits and uses.

OR if you’re located outside of Beijing, she’ll send a free bottle of Wild Orange for people who sign up with a VIP membership (to get discounted prices) and purchase a basic enrollment kit (200 member points).

Sign up online here (for the US or here for China) or contact Amanda for the hosting opportunity. For China, select “I want to become a preferred customer” and enter 00263542 under “fill in your friend’s VIP customer number.”

1 winner – any size of new generation idMASK (RMB 399) 

Preston, Beijing’s local retailer of idMASK, wants to help you protect your lungs and offers amazing customer service on top of that, making me feel confidant to recommend both idMASK and him specifically.

Not only is this an awesome product, but also for every mask that’s bought, a mask is given to a migrant child or orphan in the most polluted regions of China.

Preston’s Special Offer: Every mask purchased gets a free anti-pollution salt spa treatment worth RMB 388 from AWA Health in Beijing, but you’ve got to buy and book through Preston.

Preston mentioned the anti-pollution salt spa was like having the beach come to you. [Bobby, sweetheart, if you’re reading this, I can’t be pacified with this treatment. I still want to move to Sanya!]

 

1 winner – Waterbaby (RMB 498) by Greenwave

 

Have you ever thought about the fact that you brush your teeth and take a shower in very chemical-heavy and unfit drinking water out of the tap?

Do you ever wonder if the shower steam carries chemicals with it when you inhale?

I know I sure do ever since this beijingkids article ruined my blissful ignorance.

I’ve been on the lookout for a shower filter, and Greenwave has made one along with other products, including the Waterbaby that makes it safe to brush your teeth.

Greenwave’s Special Offer: Get a 10 percent off on all of Greenwave’s water products by scanning the QR code below and sending the e-voucher.

And there you have it folks!

 

There’s bound to be something you’d love and like to try to win!

You don’t have to be a mom to join our WeChat group, but you do have to have a sense of humor.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by scanning the QR  code.


Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

Photos: Vanessa Jencks, The Green Room, Doterra, VSP, idMASK, GreenWave

 

中国冬季关怀大赠送10名获奖者——总共价值2,300元人民币的奖金!

 

开篇明义,我会直接讲你点开这篇文章的原因,因为我知道你点开并不是想了解我。

 

没关系,我不会觉得被冒犯。

 

但我仍然为中国妈妈博客(China Moms Blog)的读者准备了一些特别棒的免费赠品,在中国的冬天能够拥有全身的护理!从你的头发,到你的趾甲,到你的肺部,到你身体的免疫系统,统统都包括!

 

那么,你需要做什么能够得到这些礼物呢?

 

只要进入获奖者名单就可以了。你难道不希望所有的赠品都这么简单吗?(您也可以添加我的微信号:vanessajencks)

我将在12月21日宣布获奖者名单!

 

不仅仅读者有机会可以赢得这些好的产品,即使那些不喜欢赠品的人(或者想尽快为别人赢得一个礼物的人)也可以享受折扣。

 

那首先,我们先来谈谈如何护理你的皮肤、头发和指甲。

5名获奖者-520毫升的Sirocco摩洛哥坚果油(总价值178元人民币)

上海James of Waijiao只进口100%有机进口产品。我现在正在用Waijiao进口的阿勒颇橄榄月桂皂(Aleppo soap)洁面,对周期性痘痘非常管用。

我知道,我知道。不管你信不信,但这个完美的调制是秘密武器。

James所赠送的摩洛哥坚果油的数量,能够让你尝试并决定你是否喜欢Sirocco这一品牌。Sirocco是一家认证的有机品牌,而且价格公道。这款摩洛哥坚果油不像其他品牌,没有经过脱味处理。也就是说,其香料闻起来就像是摩洛哥,并且果油保持了最简单的形式。

摩洛哥坚果油是最常用的皮肤保湿剂,滋润和软化皮肤。它不像其他油那么油腻。

James特价优惠:输入优惠码chinamoms10,则可享受九折优惠。

1名获奖者– The Green Room的最畅销套餐(价值488元人民币)

The Green Room限量版最畅销套餐里包括什么呢?包括Miracle7面部精华(平衡PH值,抗衰老),面霜(清洁)和眼油(舒缓,丰满)

 

非常合适咱们这样要抵抗30、40岁隐约出现的皱纹悲剧。我刚才是不是提到我本月26号过29岁生日?

 

我可不承认。

The Green Room的特价优惠:如果在微店购买,在评论区输入优惠码“stockingfreebie”。任意购买200元人民币以上的产品,你将得到任意一款产品的旅行装(除了眼油,均价值45-85元人民币之间)。截止日期是12月20号。

 

1名获奖者由Velveteen’s Secret Potions提供的“每天都是spa日套装”(Every Day Spa Day Bag)(605元人民币)

 

Velveteen’s Secret Potions(VSP)产品会让你想学习西班牙语,并与其创始人Francesca Hanshing Urra女士一起环游世界。

 

她用的所有原料都是纯天然的、来源可靠、在生产者有能力提供时直接采购,并且其原料供应也是全球化的,分别来自中国,日本,泰国,韩国,摩洛哥,智利,巴西,澳大利亚,印度,西班牙,德国,美国,加纳,柬埔寨,越南,法国,菲律宾等等。很多原料甚至是季节性的!

 

我告诉你——这个女孩可吃得开!

 

并且她的Spa日套装里面全是好东西!十二种产品、旅行包,以及5种美容工具,都能帮助你在每天都能做spa。

 

VSP的特价优惠:Francesca称她的会员为“非常特别的人”,并且给他们九五折的优惠。赶快联系她,成为会员吧。她向我保证,中国妈妈博客(China Moms Blog)的读者每次购买都会得到神秘礼物。

现在,让我们一起来护理你的里面吧!

1位获奖者多特瑞(doterra)的柠檬、香草和薄荷精油(160元人民币)

Next up 是多特瑞的入门级三件套(160元人民币),由我的朋友Amanda Vaughan赠送。她是我的邻居,价格合理,全球化货源,并且高质量精油供应商。

 

这些精油可用作天然安全的清洁产品、爽肤水、提高免疫系统,以及食物或茶的调味剂。

可能这个也会让你成为超人。

 

Amanda的特价优惠:北京居民可以得到免费的女主人精油礼品,条件是你愿意组织一个派对,请朋友们来学习精油的好处和用法。

或者,如果你住在北京之外,给那些加入VIP会员(可享受折扣价格)并且购买一套基础入门套餐(200会员点)的人,她会免费寄送一瓶Wild Orange。

 

在这里注册或者联系她的托管机会。选择“我想成为首选客户”,在“填写好友的VIP客户号码”下输入00263542.

1名获奖者任意型号的新款idMASK399元人民币)

Preston是北京地区idMASK的经销商,他想要帮助你保护你的肺,并且在此之上,他也提供非常贴心的客户服务。这让我有信心向你们推荐idMASK,并且特别推荐他。

不仅仅这是一款很赞的产品,并且每卖出一个口罩,就会赠送一个口罩给在中国污染最严重地区的孤儿或打工子子弟。

 

Preston的特价优惠:每购买一个口罩,就会获得来自北京爱瓦健康(AWA Health)价值388元的防污染盐疗,但是必须要从Preston那里购买和订购。

Preston提到防污染盐疗就如同让沙滩来到你这里。(亲爱的Bobby,如果你读到这个,要知道我无法就被这个治疗所安抚,我还是想搬去三亚!)

1名获奖者Greenwave 提供的Waterbaby (498元人民币)

 你是否想过,你无论是刷牙还是洗澡,都在使用非常多的化学用品,并使用了龙头里不适合的饮用水?

 

你是否考虑过,当你呼吸时,淋浴的蒸汽会携带化学物质?

 

我知道,自从读了beijingkids上的这篇文章,就摧毁了我以前幸福的无知。

 

我一直在寻找一款淋浴过滤器,而Greenwave就生产了这样一款淋浴过滤器。他们其它的产品也包括the Waterbaby,可以让你在刷牙时感到安全。

 

Greenwave的特价优惠:扫下面的二维码,并发送电子优惠券,你就会得到Greenwave所有水产品的九折优惠。

 

亲们,所有的都在这里了!

上面肯定有你喜爱、并且要赢得的宝贝!

你不一定是妈妈加入我们的微信群,但是你必须有一个幽默感。

点击这里或在微信上扫描QR码即可加入Facebook


Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

Photos: Vanessa Jencks, The Green Room, Doterra, VSP, idMASK, GreenWave, 

 

“No Pictures Please” and 10 Other T-shirt Slogans Needed in China

I love living in China!

But then, sometimes I’m just tired of needing to teach people not to point and stare or take pictures of my kids.

I’d rather just wear a t-shirt with a slogan.

1. “Congratulations! You can tell the difference between 1 foreigner and 1 billion Chinese people!”

Perfect for the people who shout or point and say, “Waiguoren!”

2. “Scammers beware! I’m wearing a body camera.”

We wish this was just practical for expats, but truth be told, we know some local friends who’d like this shirt too.

3. “Please speak slowly.”

It doesn’t seem to matter how many times you ask, speakers always speed up. Next time I got to a parent-teacher meeting, I’ll wear this.

4. “Funny! Your English language shirt makes no sense!”

This is a public service. They really need to know why English-speakers point and laugh.

5. “I am not a zoo animal. Don’t offer me food or take my picture.”

This should be available in all shapes and sizes.

6. “¥1,000 per picture. I’m starting my overseas college fund.”

And if you can’t beat ’em, might as well profit from ’em.

7. “I’m not your child. My mother doesn’t need your advice.” 

Enough said.

8. “I walk barefoot inside.” 

Maybe this is just a “me” thing, but I would like to raise awareness about the  reckless and carefree ways to enjoy the cleanliness of one’s floors.

9. “Proud African.”

Every single white African I’ve met has to explain a dozen times a day that they are indeed from Africa. I kind of just want to wear this shirt so I can show solidarity and break stereotypes of race and locality.

10. “My chopstick skills are better than yours.”

Time for the International Battle of the Sticks! Contenders will come from all over the world to prove their culinary agility.

I suppose it’s time to start a China Moms Fashion line.

I’ll be taking pre-orders in the comments below. 

You don’t have to be a mom to join our WeChat group, but you do have to have a sense of humor.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by scanning the QR  code.

Good until December 9th

Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

Photos: Christopher (Flickr), Tauno Tohk (Flickr)

Rooftop Date Night Desperation

If you’ve read my post here, you know that my husband and I get pretty creative when it comes to date nights.

I suppose it comes at no surprise then that we would hint, but never recommend, doing something that’s probably forbidden by every single apartment complex community in the city. And depending on where you’d go, maybe even getting arrested.

Yeah, that sounds crazy.

We’d never do ANYTHING like that.

When the kids are sleeping, since we’re on the top floor with a window leading into a forbidden roof balcony, we’ve totally been tempted to climb through that window and stare out into the beautiful red sky as the sun sets into the city.

We’d never really do that though because we’re completely rule-following type of folks, you know?

We would never think of putting out nice patio furniture either, with a hanging garden and those really cute, smooth white rocks and some reclaimed timber for a cute deck. A bit of shade and some lanterns would rock that space. We’d be in a hot mess of trouble if any of the apartment workers came to make sure all of the rooftop areas were clear.

All that cash would be down the drain as they toted it away.

Yeah, so not worth it.

We can’t believe our rebellious neighbors putting out kiddie pools and having barbecues. (Pssst! Please save us some chuanr!)

And you know, since our building is only seven stories, it’s really not that high and doesn’t allow a breathtaking view of the city.

Breathtaking, ha! Sorry, I couldn’t help the punniness. Sometimes I just like to laugh by myself.

So if we were really gutsy, which we’re not….

We’d go out and find the tallest apartment buildings we could, go to the second top floor, walk up to the top (to avoid suspicion via elevator cameras) and shimmy open the paint-sealed window.

We’d never think of doing something like that though.

If we got that window open we would SO enjoy a clear night like last night and look at all the stars in the sky.

Theoretically, you could see the Big Dipper and Orion’s belt on a clear night that high up and farther away from the light pollution.

And maybe on the clearest of nights, you could even see the tallest building in Beijing’s light shining in the dark, even as far away as my little suburb.

But hey… I wouldn’t know for sure.

I’ve never done that for a quick babysitter-less, kids-in-bed type of date.

What do you do to get a much needed date night?

You don’t have to be a mom to join our WeChat group, but you do have to have a sense of humor.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by scanning the QR  code.

Good until December 9th

Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

How Does the World Live Without WeChat?

Admit it. 

Just because WeChat takes all of our information and uses it to their discretion, allowing government censors to search through messages, whether voice or picture or text, you don’t care one bit.

Because you’re still on WeChat.

You’re still sending those stickers and joining that group and following that account.

You can’t live without WeChat, can you?

At least not in China.

How would you pay for stuff?

And when you go back to the US or UK, as you stop by the ATM or pull out your debit card, you’re secretly thinking in your head,

“How cute. How nostalgic. How primitive.”

You snicker when you think of all the homesick expats who claim,

“China isn’t innovative.”

Looks like the US isn’t much better.

And what would you do without your sticker collection?

You saw that Facebook has a sticker option now and you thought,

“I know where they stole that idea from. Ha.

You’ve tried WhatsApp, and you thought…

What’s the big deal?”

It’s got nothing on WeChat’s contacts organization or moments or favorites collection.

You’re tired of trying all of the other mobile apps.

You begrudgingly get on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or email or Skype or Apple iPay or text message or Google Hangout because the rest of the world picks and chooses the medium and platform that’s best for their communication and you’ve just got to freakin’ deal with the thousands of fumbling apps.

But with WeChat, it’s all there.

Want to flaunt what yo’ momma gave you IG style? Flaunt away.

Want to send a text message? Ok.

Want to send a voice message? Sure.

Want to voice call on a cheaper rate? You got it.

Want to network in endless chats? Welcome to my life.

Need a video chat? Brush your hair.

Need to have a video conference call? No… stop.. don’t…

Not another work meeting!

So next time you’ve got someone going on about privacy and information and censorship and all that jazz deciding to completely boycott Facebook… just remember what you keep checking on your phone every 30 seconds.

And we agree with you.

How DOES the rest of the world live without the simplicity and awesomeness of WeChat?

You don’t have to be a mom to join our WeChat group, but you do have to have a sense of humor. Otherwise we’ll be scared if you’re actually a new generation of AI.

Join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by scanning the QR  code.

Good until December 9th

Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.

WeChat: vanessajencks
Email: chinamomsblog@gmail.com

Photos: Gifly.com, Flickr

Scientists Discover New Reason for China’s Pollution: Dragons

Just remember, this section of our site is satire.

For nearly a decade the country has been mulling over the causes for the country’s pollution, blaming outdoor cooking, cars, and residential coal burning.

The growing urban middle class has frequently pointed to manufacturing and industrial plants, but those representing the industry insist they run environmentally friendly operations.

So in the search for the cause for pollution, scientists have examined the smog again and again, but one researching team made a breakthrough.

The team is made up of first class environmental scientists from Tsinghua University and with support staff from abroad, including the UK, New Zealand, and Finland.

They were studying the smog in the mountain range to the north of Beijing when they noticed a particularly dense cut of smog coming from one area in the hills.

“We didn’t see a village or hotel on the map, so we approached cautiously, concerned it could be a wildfire,” said Richard Dunbar, UK, the team’s technical equipment mechanic.

“But when we arrived we were shocked to see a cave and a thick cloud of sulfur seeping out of it. We didn’t know what to think when we saw curiously large dung and ginormous broken egg shells lying about the entrance. So we hid out and waited to find out what might be there.”

“We heard strange sounds about an hour after arriving, and we were quite frightened to be honest. We were only here trying to figure out the cause for China’s pollution, not to be some sort of freak explorers on the search for the next Lock Ness monster.”

When night fell, Dunbar and the team watched as a large dragon and its hatchlings climbed out of the cave and took to flight in the night sky.

“He’s not a huge beast, so I wonder if that’s why he wasn’t picked up on radars. But that the village people hadn’t seen him before, I’m just dumfounded.”

Apparently the dragon and its young are herbivores, and so did not disturb any of the neighboring villages or farms.

Certainly though, the dragons’ fumes, which Dunbar and his team assume they produce more of in the winter due to their bodies’ natural heating processes, has killed millions of Chinese with its dangerous particles and mixture.

The public is reeling about what to do with such a creature, as it poses a threat to humans, but could make an amazing tourist attraction. There are still questions of if other dragons besides this small flock are polluting China’s skies, and how these beasts can be discovered.

Stay tuned for the latest developments. 

For more trash-bin worthy satire, humor, and fake news from China Moms Blog, join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by scanning the QR  code.

Photo: Charlotte Marillet (Flickr

Runaway Shanghai Child Found: “I wasn’t signed up for enough extracurricular activities.”

Just remember, this section of our site is satire. 

Last week in Shanghai, Yang Mingshuo, 8, didn’t return home from school at 8 in the evening as usual.

His Shanghai native parents, Zhang Xiaoai, 38, and Yang Duquan, 43, didn’t get upset initially.

“Sometimes he will arrive a little bit late if he is talking with friends after his after-school activities, or if he is working hard on his homework and forgot the time,” his mother Zhang explained.

“But when he didn’t show up a half an hour later, we really got nervous,” Yang added.

“We called his friends and his teachers, but then we discovered he hadn’t actually gone to school that day!” Zhang began to tear up. “It was the worst day of my life. I was so worried.”

Mingshuo typically starts his day at 6:30 in the morning and walks the short distance to school unsupervised to enjoy a bit of independence.

The whole community came around the parents and helped search for the child by posting on WeChat and in groups. The boy was found that night at a virtual reality boutique in a mall on the other end of the city, playing a basketball video game.

 

When confronted by his parents as to the reason for his runaway, Mingshou angrily responded, “You didn’t let me sign up for basketball! I play piano, I study science and math and English, I go to karate, but I just wanted one more extracurricular activity.”

Zhang and Yang were both shocked.

“We feel very awkward now about how to proceed. We believe he needs to be home with his family at least some of the time, and we didn’t want to overload him with activities.”

Doctor Ouyang, a child psychologist with Shanghai First Hospital commented on the situation.

“In this sort of situation, Mingshou really felt defeated by having asked so often for being able to play basketball, and so he resorted to a behavior that would get the most attention.”

“My advice to parents would be to give in to children’s wishes for back-to-back activities just like their peers. It may seem like giving in to a completely packed day would be counterintuitive, but if the child has the drive, let him burn his energy in these completely structured activities,” Ouyang said.

Parents struggling with child-withdrawl symptoms can reach out to parent support groups where they can express their feelings about the growing independence of the child. Topics at these groups include learning how to live by example in overworking, small but meaningful 5-minute activities to invest in a child’s life, and what to do with your free time once a child has a packed schedule.

Their hotline is +86 900 1975 WORK.

For more trash-bin worthy satire, humor, and fake news from China Moms Blog, join the group on Facebook by clicking here  or on WeChat by scanning the QR  code.

Photos: Tauno Tohk (Flickr