Did you know that only 25% of days in Beijing are under 100 AQI?
Did you know that stay-at-home-moms, full-time-ayis, and weekend-warrior-parents can get a terrible disease called Hatieus Peking when they’re forced to stay inside for hours-in and hours-out with a rock-hard stubborn child who refuses to put on a mask?
Hatieus Peking causes parents to do rash things like cry softly in a closet, quit jobs, and give away all that they have. Severe cases cause hallucinations; parents cite seeing a mirage of a city with clean air that you drink like water. Some hallucinations are horrifying, and instead parents are locked up in a chamber where they can’t breath.
Psychologists believe it has to do with the steady increase of carbon dioxide inside filtered rooms, lack of proper amounts of sunshine and wide open spaces, and lack of interaction with grown adults who can hold full conversations.
Those affected can be cured, but treatment requires tricking children into wearing masks so that the cloistered caretakers can run around like wild horses in grey Beijing, taking gasps of air through gas masks.
Note, trickery depends on the age.
Children 8 years and older are easily tricked into wearing masks with threats of being grounded or removing screen time. They’re an easy lot to coerce.
Children between 4 years old and 8 years old can be shown pictures and videos of what polluted and damaged lungs look like on the inside and explain that they will die if they do not put on the mask. Do they really want their lungs to look like that?
Yes they might cry, but remember that the caretaker’s health is at risk here, and ultimately that affects the child’s well being in the long term.
Children under 4 years of age require the most nimble of handling. Make the child cry and you might as well just call it a night. After the tears come out in force like willow pollen in the spring, no form of trickery or bribery will ever get the child to put on the blasted mask.
Instead, lace the mask with the smell of their favorite foods. Or you could take inspiration from man’s hipster accessory, the beard, and just put little chunks of chocolate inside the mask. It’s like a snack reservoir, right?
What child wouldn’t want to put it on with chocolate inside?
If you’re worried about choking, get some Hershey’s syrup and smear it inside. Depending on the make of the mask, it might not actually affect breathability.
If chocolate doesn’t work, put on the child’s favorite TV show or movie or song. Put the mask on his face and play the show. When he takes it off, turn off the show.
It’s kind of like Pavlov’s dog and bell experiment except much more desperate.
Once the child keeps on the mask after fifty-eight or so tries, then just make him keep wearing it in the house until wearing a mask is second nature.
One last option would be to cry. Yes, cry. The child will take such sympathy on seeing a grown adult cry, he or she will try to make it better. If you’ve instilled kindness in the child already, of course. Otherwise, treatments beyond what’s been suggested here is totally experimental, and you should proceed with caution.
Look, you would stoop to these lows if you had Hatieus Peking, too.
Crazy parents need to support crazy parents before things get crazy.
By the way, did you know you can win a new generation of idMASK of any size that you want to at least pretend your stubborn child might actually where it one day? All you have to do is join the China Moms Blog WeChat Group. Add me on WeChat to try your luck (WeChat ID: vanessajencks). If Trump beat the odds, why can’t you?
Your current chances of winning are 1 in 10! Those are good odds to win one of the prizes, totaling ¥2,300 in all!
No sharing required. Really.
Seriously the simplest giveaway ever.
Join the group on Facebook by clicking here or on WeChat by adding me (ID: vanessajencks).
Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at vanessajencks.com.
Photos: SmartAir Filters, idMASK