Diapers Outlawed in Favor of Split Pants

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In the most recent legislation passed to prevent the imperialism of the Untied States from seeping into every corner of Chinese life, mothers everywhere are shocked to learn that diapers have been outlawed in the Middle Kingdom.

Diapers have been decided to be too dangerous of an idea that can be blamed for the youths of Chinese being too exposed to Western ideology.

Wang Zeren, 89, Xianjang, praised the party for their determination to extinguish all ideology. “When I was young, we didn’t use diapers, and my wife didn’t use diapers for our children either. This makes us strong as a nation. And wearing diapers makes babies weak to Western influences enticing us all.”

“In fact, split pants are a part of our culture, and we need to uphold it with thanks!” Wang clapped.

Others praise the move because of its scientific benefits.

Beijing’s leading pediatrician at Tongren Hospital, Doctor Xin Liru explained, “It’s not just about keeping out invading cultural ideas, but the diaper genuinely affects skin health, lengthens the amount of time before a child is potty trained, and can even restrict the growth of certain anatomical parts.”

Though many are happy with the idea, mothers and grandparents are particularly irritated with the accompanying memorandum to Tier 1 and 2 cities.

“As the population has grown and clean streets and public areas have become expected in urban cultural life of China, children found peeing or defecating on sidewalks, streets, and in grates will be fined RMB 3,000. Repeat offenders will face an increased fine based on number of offenses.”

Mother netizens all over WeChat fumed.

“This type of law is incredibly sexist! Who is going to be doing the clean up?” Wx1857381 responded.

“Where is my own naiba? I’m moving to Shanghai! I heard the husbands are better there!” Sexycats125 joked.

“How are they going to enforce this? Check every bum that walks around? Time to open a black market!” Neoneo324 asked.

Expats everywhere have decided to leave the country.

“I just can’t take this. I can live without Facebook, Netflix, and Hulu, but outlawing diapers is too much. Who’s going to do the poop catching?” American dad Grayson Bell, 45, father of five, told us.

Stores have been told to take diapers off the shelves by December 30, though there has already been a rush of lines at the stores to buy all available fluffy diapers in sight.

 

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Photos: Harald Groven (Flickr), Steven Depolo (Flickr)

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