Protect Your Child! Helicopter, Bubble-Wrap Parenting 101

You children are in danger. Serious danger. They are under constant threat from bacteria, viruses, pollutants, radiation, other children, your spouse, their teachers, their toys, their food… EVEN YOU.

You never know what kind of danger could be lurking in the shadows.

Therefore, this guide will help you to suck the fun save your child’s life, giving them a perfect childhood.

First, remove all germ hoarding materials and install a sterilization chamber at the entrance of your home. You’ll need a hospital grade machine that destroys germs with UV (on sale now for just USD$999.95). You’ll also want an x-ray and processing kit for testing items with unknown origins.

Next to the sterilization chamber should be a quarantine area for guests and items identified as carrying harmful bacteria and viruses.

For food, hire your own team of farmers and chefs with explicit instructions on how to grow and cook food without involving dangerous pesticides or harmful processed ingredients. Of course your child is an angel and never picky about what to eat.

There’s no longer a need to go to school, putting your child in danger of under-trained teachers, with the advent of virtual reality. They can just step right into a virtual classroom and make digital friends all day long. In fact, with virtual reality, there really isn’t even a reason to leave home except to go to the doctor or dentist. What’s great is you can record every single piece of communication exchanged between your child and others. No danger will be left unnoticed ever again!

In the situation where a sibling or parent might be your child’s biggest threat, just install video surveillance in every corner of your home. Attach it to an artificial intelligence computer trained to detect abuse of any sort. The AI will then alert the authorities with video evidence should you or your partner go crazy and actually hurt your child in some way. Please note that yelling is not yet considered a punishable form of child abuse.

For outdoor play, pick a home at the top of any apartment building and then build an additional play area on the roof. A sealed glass room with pressurized vents will allow proper cooling and carbon dioxide to escape while keeping heavenly, purified air uncontaminated.

When trips to the greater world are absolutely necessary, a lightweight suit designed by the engineers behind NASA space suits are a great choice.

If you follow this guide, we can guarantee you a headache of safety from your children’s first gasps of breath until they enter into adulthood and escape from such a bubble-wrapped penitentiary.

This guide does not protect against accidents or rebellious actions. That guide is available for a limited time offer of USD$159, typically for sale at USD$400.

If only this would really work and make a perfect childhood without leaving significant emotional damage. 

Unfortunately life is full of pain, but thankfully there are things you can do to protect your child, from making better product choices to educating yourself about prevention.

Here are the main ways YOU can protect your child after these recent kindergarten scandals:

1. Be an active parent. Talk to your child every day about what is going on in their life. Most days there will be nothing important, but when it matters, your relationship with your child has been built.

2. Equip yourself. Get training in recognizing mistreated and sexually abused children.

Free Online Courses: 
Darkness to Light
National Child Traumatic Stress Network
National Children’s Advocacy Center

3. Teach your child. It is not the responsibility of schools to teach  children about safe touch and unsafe touch, whether sexual or violent, nor sexual education. That is the parent’s responsibility.  There are lots of resources online dealing with this topic and “tricky people.”

4. Investigate. Don’t settle for less when picking a school. Ask questions about teacher training based on the knowledge you gain from your own training. Find out school protocol in case something does happen.

5. Advocate and Spread Awareness. The more parents and society as a whole is educated about this topic, the harder it will be for heartbreaking situations to occur undetected.

Please share! Parents need to know that there are resources available to them. 


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Vanessa Jencks founded China Moms Blog to connect internationally-minded parents through semi-humorous stories and poorly-written satire news. She is the former managing editor of beijingkids magazine; see her previous work here. She writes about relationships and faith at

WeChat: vanessajencks

Photos:, Mike Mozart (Flickr),

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